The Deeper Side Of Empathy
As I reflect upon Black History Month, I am inspired to think bigger about empathy and what it means for our world. We often describe empathy as putting ourselves in the shoes of another, however, this is not always enough. Emotion researchers more specifically define empathy as the ability to sense other people's emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling. Instead of thinking about how we might respond to their situation ourselves, we must go deeper to truly understand how that particular situation felt for that unique individual.
A black friend of mine once described how challenging it was to raise her son in a world that makes quick, negative assumptions based on his race. She’s had to have many difficult and heartbreaking conversations with her son, some that I may never have to have with mine. For her, this is a necessary step in preparing him for growing up black. Her non-black neighbors, however, believe she is putting negative ideas into her son’s head. Perhaps it is true that they would handle these conversations differently, but they also haven’t lived her experience or gone deeper with empathy to fully understand from her perspective. Instead, the problem is perpetuated, opportunities for connection are lost and solutions are not found.
Awareness Is Key To Empathy
It is true that we may never fully understand from another’s perspective until we experience what they have, however, this awareness is important because it can motivate us to a deeper level of empathy. I recently had to put my dog, Dakota, to rest. Something changed in me when I held him in his last moments. The awareness of my love was so strong, I almost could not breathe myself. Until that moment, I know I didn’t fully understand the grief associated with losing a pet. Before that moment, when others looked to me for support in the loss of their pets, I would empathize. But looking back, I am not sure I really understood or tried hard enough to understand.
Sometimes I See, a poem by Valencia Craig of the Innocence Project, is not only timely for Black History Month but also explains how looking deeper into what others are seeing or have seen will pave the way for progress. Her message impacted me as she related, “I think it’s about perspectives. A lot of times, the way that something affects you depends on where you’ve been up to that point. So, for me, as an immigrant, as a woman of color, as a mother of a child with special needs, things carry different weight with me. I don’t have the option to turn my head and not see difficult things that are happening or to think that they’re better than they really are. I can’t look away.”
Four Tips For Exploring The Deeper Side Of Empathy
These examples leave us wondering, “how can we possibly understand another person’s perspective knowing we may have not gone through the same exact experiences?” The answer requires intention and practice, but is worth developing. In order to develop our ability to sense the emotions of others and to appreciate their perspectives, follow these four tips for exploring the deeper side of empathy:
Activate Deep Curiosity - Listen for emotions and perspectives. Make an intentional effort to hear the signals about what another is feeling and thinking. Believe that this person is the most important person in the world at that very moment. Being “seen” and “heard” is a form of belonging, and it is powerful.
Share In Their Story - Once we can really recognize and appreciate the emotion and perspective of another, we can more adequately put ourselves in their shoes. Remember that empathy is not feeling what we would feel in their situation or how we would solve that situation. It is stepping outside of ourselves and adopting their emotions and perspectives for a moment.
Give Others A Chance - Empathy goes even deeper when it flows both ways. Practice giving others a chance to be empathetic in return. To do that, we should not focus on the circumstance but share how the situation feels for us and the thought process that led us to those emotions. This requires vulnerability, but results in an invaluable creation of trust.
Offer Helpful Actions - Once we have found the deeper side of empathy with another, we become steeped in compassion and are better equipped to recognize their true need so we can offer help. Remember that empathy is the ability to picture the emotion and perspective of another, not to only picture the tough situation that caused them. This will not only allow us to truly help others in their time of need, but can start the process of thinking bigger about a better way forward. At that point, our own perspectives might be helpful for brainstorming solutions, but only because we didn’t replace another’s perspectives with our own.
By exploring the deeper side of empathy, we can begin to truly understand others and be more understood, ourselves. This empathy flow will foster connectedness and problem-solving in the workplace and beyond. So, instead of just putting ourselves in the shoes of each other, let’s wear those shoes together and walk as one.
Your teams can learn to incorporate deeper empathy into their everyday culture and practice. UpSpiral Leadership® can help!